Saturday, July 19, 2008

they unknowingly took it...

so, i have had a request that i write another blog... i never thought that would happen. like i have said before, i dont really consider myself a writer; therefore i dont see myself as a "real" blogger... but here we go.

for people who happen to stumble across this blog through random chance, i will just preface myself here and say that i love africa. i love that entire continent. i went twice when i was a teenager; at 15 and again at 16. since that first trip, i have never been able to get my heart back. the people of africa unknowingly took it and i willingly gave it to them.

i find myself looking at pictures, watching documentaries, reading the news and my heart just longs to be there. it becomes all consuming at times. it is strange to actually say, but i even love the dirt. i see the red earth and wish my shoes were stained with it. the crammed markets, the classic white trucks, the kids in their school uniforms... god, i just want to go. sometimes it is so much a part of my daily thoughts. other times, i feel as though i have forgotten. whole seasons have made their way through my life and made me wonder if it was all just a phase i went through. but the fact of the matter is: my heart is not entirely my own. when i go looking for that something missing, i always come back to africa.

so many people ask me why? i dont really have an answer. i dont have control over what i love; what desires my heart was formed to hold. those were placed there - without ever a thought of consulting me. i am not my maker. he is. so why did he choose to give part of my heart to africa? for what purpose? i guess my answer to that question should be, "i dont know. ask him. he made me."

you know, i dont even have a clear idea of where this love for africa will end up taking me, but i just have this deep, always there type of feeling, that indeed, it WILL take me...

and to be honest, sometimes i dream about it and my entire self just wants to be there. other times, i try not to think too much because i am afraid that maybe i really will get there. and what does that cost? what if i get what i ask for? how much am i really willing to give up? it is like i have one foot here and one in africa, and it is not an easy burden to have an ocean between your steps. i try to find that balance between knowing that god blesses us and not getting caught in consumerism. between wanting earthly things and knowing eternal truths. it is such a struggle at times. id like to say i frequently succeed. the truth is i have lost the battle more than id like to admit. that "extra" for me or fresh water for them?

im sure as time keeps coming at me, pieces of a puzzle will come into sight. and its as if im supposed to put this puzzle together without having the box to look at. i dont know what the whole picture looks like, just a general idea. ill probably put some of the them where they dont belong. but trial and error is a part of any puzzle. and there is a plan, a bigger picture. i just have to figure it out as i go. i think im just frustrated because i am still working on that bottom left corner.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

are you no longer blogging?